Navigating the holidays: Building your own peace

December is here and the holidays are approaching. How are you feeling? There can be so many expectations around this time. Joy. Peace. Love. Harmony. And all that.

But, for many, it's not all that. It's grief. Sadness. Stress. Pain. It's a minefield of emotional triggers and strained family connections. Reminders of what is missing.

If you find yourself dreading the holiday season more than you anticipate it, you are not alone. It’s okay to acknowledge that the holidays can be hard. Here are some ideas for protecting your peace, honoring your needs, navigating your grief, and creating a holiday season that prioritizes your mental health.

Define your Values- Find your Compass

What truly matters to you this holiday season? How do YOU want to spend it? Identify your top 3 values and ask yourself, how can you meet your own core values? Do you most value compassion, kindness, respect, simplicity, faith, remembrance, connection, fun, contribution, adventure, loyalty, tradition, openness, etc? No matter what holiday you celebrate, find a way to make it yours, guided by your values and your capacity at this time. Values do not have to be big and bold, they are shown in the littlest of actions.

Sometimes, we may be dealing with a time of adjustment and change. Loss from death, divorce, or other situations that create change can bring new challenges. Ask yourself: with this new reality, what can I do best for myself to honour my values and my emotions?

Check in with yourself- Find your limits

How are you doing this year? What is your capacity? Some years we might feel energetic and excited to engage in holiday festivities. Other years we might be feeling low energy and dealing with difficult things. We might be dealing with grief and loss, or dreading what might feel like family obligations and minefields.

Setting the Stage: The Power of Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are how we can honour own own needs and emotions and protect ourselves in difficult situations. Boundaries allow us to say "no" (or, "yes, but....") and give us a sense of control.

• Time Limits: It's possible to accept an invitation, while also providing a limit to what this looks like. Try saying, "I would love to come! I have to leave by 5 pm, but I'm looking forward to catching up until then."

• Topic Limits: Know which subjects are off-limits (e.g., your career, your relationship status, political debates). If a topic is brought up that you do not want to talk about, you can simply say, "I'm not going to discuss that today, but let's talk about [neutral topic]."

• Behavioral Limits: Decide how you will respond to criticism, passive-aggressive remarks, or probing questions. Your response can be as simple as "I need to take a break from this conversation."

• Saying no: It's always okay to say no. And guess what? You don't have to provide a reason if you don't want to. You can simply say "Thanks for the invitation, but I will not be able to make it."

• Provide an alternative: Perhaps a big party is too much at this time for you, but you want to honour your value of connection and have quality time with a few people. It's okay to say "That's too much for me right now, but I'd still love to see you. Can we make a plan for just us and connect then?"

• You are always allowed to change your mind. You are always allowed to excuse yourself for a few minutes to take some deep breaths. You are always allowed to leave early.

Cultivating Self-Compassion

When we are triggered, it is easy to slip into self-blame ("Why can't I just handle this?") or shame ("I should be stronger" or "I should be over this by now"). This is where self-compassion becomes your lifeline.

Self-Compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding you would offer a dear friend in the exact same situation.

• Acknowledge Your Emotions: There is an old counselling saying "Name it to Tame it" and it's very true. Acknowledge and name what you are feeling. "This is discomfort. This is sadness. This is anxiety." Simply acknowledging the feeling can lessen its power and its control. By naming the emotion, we are engaging our prefrontal cortex and our 'noticing' mind.

• Remind yourself that your emotions are valid. "It makes sense I'm feeling this way." "I'm allowed to feel this."

• Remember Common Humanity: Remind yourself that you are not alone. Difficult family dynamics, or grief, are a universal human experiences. Your struggle is valid, not a personal failure.

• Use a Compassionate Touch: When you feel overwhelmed, gently place your hand over your heart or give yourself a warm hug. Try the "butterfly hug"- hold your arms across your body and with your hands give yourself alternate hand taps. This simple physical act releases oxytocin and can be profoundly grounding.

Try this mantra: "This is a moment of suffering. May I be kind to myself in this moment."

This holiday season, remember that you get a say. Acknowledge your emotions, give yourself compassion, tune into your values and define your limits. You do not have to fix anyone else, change the past, or create a flawless experience. By honoring your boundaries, acknowledging your emotions, and practicing self-compassion, you give yourself the greatest gift of all: peace.