This February, Be Your Own Valentine: Practicing Self-Compassion

When I first introduce self-compassion to people, they often respond with confusion and questions. What's the point of this? How can this actually be helpful? I can't be kind to myself, if I were, I'd just end up doing nothing. Sometimes, it feels too weird for people. And, sometimes it scares people. Another common response is "I can't do this. It's just another thing I can't do." Here's some tips and info on slowly opening up to self-love and self-compassion.

Why Self-Compassion Matters for Mental Health

Self-compassion starts with acknowledging our common humanity and acknowledging that we're all imperfect. Research shows that people who practice self-compassion experience lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. Rather than pushing ourselves through shame or self-criticism, self-compassion helps us respond to ourselves with kindness and softness.

When we are kinder to ourselves, we create emotional safety. That safety allows for growth, healing, and resilience. And, believe it or not, this safety allows us to take more risks and try new things, actually leading us to pursue our goals and interests more (so, no, we won't all end up being sloths in some dream land if we all practice self-compassion).

What Self-Compassion Really Is (and What It’s Not)

Self-compassion is often misunderstood. It is not self-pity, making excuses, or avoiding responsibility. Instead, it is acknowledging that being human includes struggle, mistakes, and imperfection.

Self-compassion involves three key elements:

Kindness toward yourself rather than criticism

Common humanity: recognizing that we all struggle

Mindfulness: noticing your thoughts, bodily sensations, and emotions

Being compassionate with yourself does not lower your standards—it helps you meet challenges without unnecessary suffering.

How We Learn to Be Hard on Ourselves

Often, self-criticism originates in childhood from outside of ourselves (a critical caregiver, other external messages) and then becomes internalized. Sometimes, we believe if we're hard on ourselves first, we protect ourselves from experiencing the hurt of other's criticism towards us. Over time, self-criticism can become automatic, so automatic that we may not be consciously aware of it. It becomes a constant demand for perfection and leads to shame and internal suffering.

Learning self-compassion means gently uncovering and questioning that voice and practicing a new way of responding to yourself—one rooted in understanding and kindness rather than judgment.

Let's Increase Self-Compassion in February and Beyond!

Valentine’s Day has branched out over the years to include celebration of friendships (anyone heard of Galentine's day or Palentines Day?). Let's add in self-love and self-compassion (Selfintines day?) After all, the foundation of adult healthy love towards others starts with our relationship with ourselves.

This February, consider asking yourself:

How can I show myself some love and appreciation?

How can I treat myself in the same way I'd treat a loved one?

What would it look like to be kinder to myself in this moment?

Simple Ways to Practice Self-Compassion Every Day

Self-compassion does not have to be complicated.

The one skill most people easily relate to is to ask themselves: If I were talking to my friend, how would I treat them? What would I say? Can I treat myself with the same kindness I'd show to someone else?

One of my favourite self-compassion exercises is to place your hands over your heart area in a gesture of kindness (as if you were giving a hug to someone else). Sense into the feeling of warmth and weight in that area. Breath deeply. Speak kindly to yourself. This might sound like: "I'm doing the best I can". "I'm allowed to feel sad." "It's okay to make mistakes, we all do."

Additionally, you can find self-compassion meditations easily on-line or on apps such as Headspace, Insight Timer, or Calm.

Like any skill, self-compassion takes practice. It may feel unfamiliar at first, and that is completely normal.

When Self-Compassion Feels Uncomfortable—and Why That’s Normal

For many, self-compassion can feel awkward or even uncomfortable. If you are used to pushing yourself or relying on self-criticism, kindness may feel undeserved or unsafe. This discomfort does not mean you are doing it wrong—it means you are learning something new. Especially for those who have not had a safe experience in life of receiving love and compassion, it can be very difficult, and learning this with a therapist can be very beneficial.

Therapy can be a supportive space to explore these patterns, build self-compassion, and develop a kinder relationship with yourself.

This February, consider giving yourself the same care you so easily offer others. Self-compassion is not a luxury or a silly concept—it is an essential part of mental health and emotional well-being.